bring money and cleavage
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
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I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
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I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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