i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
