he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
