Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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