i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
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