if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
