a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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