Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
