we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
splinters make it hard to masturbate
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Randomize
