true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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