hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
