JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
