I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Randomize
