that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
