Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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