i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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