she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
