so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
