he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
