she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..