yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
well, you know. whores of a feather.