Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Your dad touched me again.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.