My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.