I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
