So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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