Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
