don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
