I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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