I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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