I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
