i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
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