It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
