dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
