how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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