Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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