Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
