last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
