Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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