pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
