I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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