You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
