You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
