Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize
