What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
