My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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