There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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