I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We talked him into tasing himself.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
