I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
