What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Randomize
