guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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