New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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