Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
