Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
