I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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