My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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