somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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