just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
