i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
