I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We left an ass print on the piano.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
