It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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